This list was much harder to come up with than the last one. What definitively constitutes a lousy movie? I could have gone on and on (I had nearly fifty entries at one point), so I had to set some ground rules: while the previous list was about sharing the love of great Vampire films overall, this time, I am keeping the list to only those films which have had limited-to-wide releases in theaters and on television. There are no homemade, direct-to-YouTube movies here. These films were made with good intentions but ultimately failed for one reason or another. Here are my Ten Vampire Movies to Avoid During the Halloween Season.
Dark Shadows (2012) – Where, oh where to begin? I had such high hopes for this one, but I became worried when I heard Tim Burton and Johnny Depp were involved. I have been a fan of the original series and even more so of the theatrical film, House of Dark Shadows, released in 1970, which is essentially the original storyline intended for Barnabas Collins on the show (which was changed due to the character's popularity). This film, however, spits in the eye of all for which the original stands, trading in the gothic atmosphere for campy humor, blue tones, and Alice Cooper. Such a disaster. The film was written by Seth Grahame-Smith, author of another offending title on this list.
Fright Night Part II (1988) – While the original Fright Night didn't make it into my previous list, that film is close to my heart. It is one of the great gems of the 80s, with brilliant special effects, memorable performances by Chris Sarandon and Roddy McDowell, and a slick synth-based soundtrack by Brad Fiedel. The sequel, on the other hand...hoo boy. This time, the Vamp-fatale is Jerry Dandridge's sister, Regine, who has a beef with Charlie Brewster after he unceremoniously destroyed her brother in the previous film. Rather than just off him, though, she spends more time...making out with him? Brian Thompson shows up in a supporting role as a, uh...well, he is not a vampire. In fact, it is never really explained what the hell he is. Also of note: Louie, one of Regine's vampiric horde with a penchant for going into wolf form because he just has to be different, is Jon Gries, the same actor who played the human form of the Wolfman in 1987's The Monster Squad.
The Twilight Saga – All of Them (2008-2012) – You knew this was coming. A film series so atrocious I could not decide which was worse, so I decided to combine them all under one entry. Probably the most prominent example of a cash cow on this list, there was no way to improve these films without significant backlash because they are pretty faithfully adapted from Stephanie Meyer's books. I am not even going to rant about how ridiculous the angst-ridden, sparkly teenage vampires are in these movies since it has all been said before. I will just point out a poignant quote by horror author Stephen King on the overall quality of the books (and, by proxy, the films): “Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.” I have heard several people defending these films simply because 100-year-old vampire Edward and 17-year-old Bella (let that sink in for a moment...ewww) waited until marriage to get it on. That may be a nice change of pace for some, but what sort of conflicting messages are we sending our young ones when the “heroine” of the story is actually willing to commit suicide just to get her boyfriend's attention? The Twilight series is a mockery and a slap in the face of Young Adult books and films everywhere simply for having such a weak, pathetic female lead. And sparkly vamps.
Dracula (2006) – Yet another BBC adaptation of the Stoker novel, and in name only. The storyline of this stinker does not even come close to the story, instead serving as a commentary on whether or not Bram Stoker may have had syphilis in his lifetime. Really? What does that have to do with anything? Arthur Holmwood turns out to be the one who brought Dracula to London from Transylvania because he contracted syphilis from his many indiscretions against his wife, Lucy, and wants Dracula to turn him immortal so he will be cured. Most other characters are entirely written out of the story altogether: Jonathan Harker dies in the beginning à la Horror of Dracula (1958); Van Helsing barely appears at all, and when he does, he is so terrified of Dracula that he is rendered utterly impotent to the story; Seward, Quincy, Renfield, and many others are nowhere to be found at all. Add an extremely lackluster, yawn-inducing performance by Marc Warren as the Count, and you have a genuine, bona fide stinker. There are plenty of adaptations of the novel I do not like, but this may be the only one I actively hate.
Van Helsing (2004) – Bad special effects and thin performances abound in this flick directed by Stephen Sommers of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and the Mummy films. Hugh Jackman stars as the titular hero, Van Helsing, and neither he nor Kate Beckinsale's lovely visage can save this farce. A massive failure at the box office, this movie set back the horror genre as a prospect for big tentpole productions. Thankfully, Jackman has forged an illustrious career over the last twenty-five years, as evidenced in the recent Deadpool & Wolverine.
Blade: Trinity (2004) – After the masterful Blade II (another movie that did not quite make my previous list but still gets lots of love), Blade: Trinity was a pure WTF moment for the franchise that effectively killed the prospect of another Blade film for many years. Dominic Purcell plays this film's in-universe inspiration for Dracula, but he is not fooling anyone. Instead, he spends a lot of time running away from Blade. The fight scenes are less-than-stellar, the story is mainly incoherent, and Wesley Snipes was already on his way to the big house for tax evasion when the movie was released. There are plenty of stories about Snipes butting heads with director David Goyer, who took over the reins from Guillermo del Toro, and Patton Oswalt has gone on record claiming that Snipes spent almost all of his off time sitting in his trailer smoking weed and signing all of his correspondence with "Blade." The only bright light of the film comes from Ryan Reynolds's performance as Hannibal King, whose side-splittingly funny one-liners are the only reason to see this pile of crap.
Vamp (1986) – Ah, Grace Jones. Enjoying a bit of notoriety in the 80s after turns in Conan the Destroyer and A View to a Kill, she appears in some of the weirdest makeup ever committed to film as the head vampire of a strip club. Also on hand are Gedde Watanabe, famous for playing Long Duk Dong in Sixteen Candles, and Dedee Pfeiffer, sister of Michelle, as a girl who works in the club yet somehow does not know that it is run by vampires. This one is probably the best on this list regarding quality and watchability, but that only goes so far.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012) – I remember being morbidly curious after seeing the book cover for Seth Grahame-Smith's novel, and even more so after hearing it would be made into a big blockbuster movie. Then, I rented it...and immediately regretted it. This movie is just awful. I appreciate a bit of alternative history mixed with horror as much as the next guy—heck, I have a story based on that premise on the back burner—but the execution of this one is just dreadful. Look at the ridiculous horse stampede scene, for example. Physics is thrown out of the window in favor of Zach Snyder-esque slo-mo shots that defy every law of science we have, almost making the movie an unintentional comedy. The movie appears very self-aware at first and invites you to laugh along with it, but then it all comes crashing down when the vampires kill Lincoln's son in retaliation, and the story suddenly shifts into a much darker path. This took me right out of the movie. I know that it is supposed to “explain” things that happened in real-life history, but this movie should be escapist entertainment first and foremost.
Fright Night (2011) – I actually enjoyed Colin Farrel's portrayal of a vampire throughout the first half of this film and thought we were on track for a decent remake; it was just different and menacing enough to feel like a fresh take. Then, somewhere along the line, the film takes a turn for the worst and becomes just another action-driven, CGI-heavy junkfest. The late Anton Yelchin and David Tennant are underutilized as Charlie Brewster and Peter Vincent. Watch the original instead.
Dracula 2000 (2000) - Since I first discovered the Internet in my high school library way back in 1997, I have gravitated toward websites about upcoming movies. One I frequented had an entry about a new Dracula movie. This was a big deal for me since this was the first Dracula movie I had heard of since Bram Stoker's Dracula in 1992. However, what ended up gracing the screen after I began attending college was significantly less soul-stirring. There were many great ideas (I felt the concept of Dracula actually being Judas Iscariot was brilliant) that could have made for a fascinating take on the character, but sadly, they took a backseat to all of the Matrix-styled action and over-saturation of sex appeal. Gerard Butler is the best part of this movie, but Van Helsing is woefully underutilized (they had Christopher Plummer, for God's sake!). This film does not quite have the impact it could have, which is a shame; it is a tremendous wasted opportunity.
Dark Shadows (2012) – Where, oh where to begin? I had such high hopes for this one, but I became worried when I heard Tim Burton and Johnny Depp were involved. I have been a fan of the original series and even more so of the theatrical film, House of Dark Shadows, released in 1970, which is essentially the original storyline intended for Barnabas Collins on the show (which was changed due to the character's popularity). This film, however, spits in the eye of all for which the original stands, trading in the gothic atmosphere for campy humor, blue tones, and Alice Cooper. Such a disaster. The film was written by Seth Grahame-Smith, author of another offending title on this list.
Fright Night Part II (1988) – While the original Fright Night didn't make it into my previous list, that film is close to my heart. It is one of the great gems of the 80s, with brilliant special effects, memorable performances by Chris Sarandon and Roddy McDowell, and a slick synth-based soundtrack by Brad Fiedel. The sequel, on the other hand...hoo boy. This time, the Vamp-fatale is Jerry Dandridge's sister, Regine, who has a beef with Charlie Brewster after he unceremoniously destroyed her brother in the previous film. Rather than just off him, though, she spends more time...making out with him? Brian Thompson shows up in a supporting role as a, uh...well, he is not a vampire. In fact, it is never really explained what the hell he is. Also of note: Louie, one of Regine's vampiric horde with a penchant for going into wolf form because he just has to be different, is Jon Gries, the same actor who played the human form of the Wolfman in 1987's The Monster Squad.
The Twilight Saga – All of Them (2008-2012) – You knew this was coming. A film series so atrocious I could not decide which was worse, so I decided to combine them all under one entry. Probably the most prominent example of a cash cow on this list, there was no way to improve these films without significant backlash because they are pretty faithfully adapted from Stephanie Meyer's books. I am not even going to rant about how ridiculous the angst-ridden, sparkly teenage vampires are in these movies since it has all been said before. I will just point out a poignant quote by horror author Stephen King on the overall quality of the books (and, by proxy, the films): “Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.” I have heard several people defending these films simply because 100-year-old vampire Edward and 17-year-old Bella (let that sink in for a moment...ewww) waited until marriage to get it on. That may be a nice change of pace for some, but what sort of conflicting messages are we sending our young ones when the “heroine” of the story is actually willing to commit suicide just to get her boyfriend's attention? The Twilight series is a mockery and a slap in the face of Young Adult books and films everywhere simply for having such a weak, pathetic female lead. And sparkly vamps.
Dracula (2006) – Yet another BBC adaptation of the Stoker novel, and in name only. The storyline of this stinker does not even come close to the story, instead serving as a commentary on whether or not Bram Stoker may have had syphilis in his lifetime. Really? What does that have to do with anything? Arthur Holmwood turns out to be the one who brought Dracula to London from Transylvania because he contracted syphilis from his many indiscretions against his wife, Lucy, and wants Dracula to turn him immortal so he will be cured. Most other characters are entirely written out of the story altogether: Jonathan Harker dies in the beginning à la Horror of Dracula (1958); Van Helsing barely appears at all, and when he does, he is so terrified of Dracula that he is rendered utterly impotent to the story; Seward, Quincy, Renfield, and many others are nowhere to be found at all. Add an extremely lackluster, yawn-inducing performance by Marc Warren as the Count, and you have a genuine, bona fide stinker. There are plenty of adaptations of the novel I do not like, but this may be the only one I actively hate.
Van Helsing (2004) – Bad special effects and thin performances abound in this flick directed by Stephen Sommers of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and the Mummy films. Hugh Jackman stars as the titular hero, Van Helsing, and neither he nor Kate Beckinsale's lovely visage can save this farce. A massive failure at the box office, this movie set back the horror genre as a prospect for big tentpole productions. Thankfully, Jackman has forged an illustrious career over the last twenty-five years, as evidenced in the recent Deadpool & Wolverine.
Blade: Trinity (2004) – After the masterful Blade II (another movie that did not quite make my previous list but still gets lots of love), Blade: Trinity was a pure WTF moment for the franchise that effectively killed the prospect of another Blade film for many years. Dominic Purcell plays this film's in-universe inspiration for Dracula, but he is not fooling anyone. Instead, he spends a lot of time running away from Blade. The fight scenes are less-than-stellar, the story is mainly incoherent, and Wesley Snipes was already on his way to the big house for tax evasion when the movie was released. There are plenty of stories about Snipes butting heads with director David Goyer, who took over the reins from Guillermo del Toro, and Patton Oswalt has gone on record claiming that Snipes spent almost all of his off time sitting in his trailer smoking weed and signing all of his correspondence with "Blade." The only bright light of the film comes from Ryan Reynolds's performance as Hannibal King, whose side-splittingly funny one-liners are the only reason to see this pile of crap.
Vamp (1986) – Ah, Grace Jones. Enjoying a bit of notoriety in the 80s after turns in Conan the Destroyer and A View to a Kill, she appears in some of the weirdest makeup ever committed to film as the head vampire of a strip club. Also on hand are Gedde Watanabe, famous for playing Long Duk Dong in Sixteen Candles, and Dedee Pfeiffer, sister of Michelle, as a girl who works in the club yet somehow does not know that it is run by vampires. This one is probably the best on this list regarding quality and watchability, but that only goes so far.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012) – I remember being morbidly curious after seeing the book cover for Seth Grahame-Smith's novel, and even more so after hearing it would be made into a big blockbuster movie. Then, I rented it...and immediately regretted it. This movie is just awful. I appreciate a bit of alternative history mixed with horror as much as the next guy—heck, I have a story based on that premise on the back burner—but the execution of this one is just dreadful. Look at the ridiculous horse stampede scene, for example. Physics is thrown out of the window in favor of Zach Snyder-esque slo-mo shots that defy every law of science we have, almost making the movie an unintentional comedy. The movie appears very self-aware at first and invites you to laugh along with it, but then it all comes crashing down when the vampires kill Lincoln's son in retaliation, and the story suddenly shifts into a much darker path. This took me right out of the movie. I know that it is supposed to “explain” things that happened in real-life history, but this movie should be escapist entertainment first and foremost.
Fright Night (2011) – I actually enjoyed Colin Farrel's portrayal of a vampire throughout the first half of this film and thought we were on track for a decent remake; it was just different and menacing enough to feel like a fresh take. Then, somewhere along the line, the film takes a turn for the worst and becomes just another action-driven, CGI-heavy junkfest. The late Anton Yelchin and David Tennant are underutilized as Charlie Brewster and Peter Vincent. Watch the original instead.
Dracula 2000 (2000) - Since I first discovered the Internet in my high school library way back in 1997, I have gravitated toward websites about upcoming movies. One I frequented had an entry about a new Dracula movie. This was a big deal for me since this was the first Dracula movie I had heard of since Bram Stoker's Dracula in 1992. However, what ended up gracing the screen after I began attending college was significantly less soul-stirring. There were many great ideas (I felt the concept of Dracula actually being Judas Iscariot was brilliant) that could have made for a fascinating take on the character, but sadly, they took a backseat to all of the Matrix-styled action and over-saturation of sex appeal. Gerard Butler is the best part of this movie, but Van Helsing is woefully underutilized (they had Christopher Plummer, for God's sake!). This film does not quite have the impact it could have, which is a shame; it is a tremendous wasted opportunity.
And that brings an end to my list of Ten Vampire Films to Avoid During the Halloween Season. As before, here is a short list of runners-up:
Dracula 3000 (2004)
Children of the Night (1991)
Priest (2011)
Queen of the Damned (2002)
Vampire in Brooklyn (1995)
Dario Argento's Dracula 3D (2012)
I Married a Vampire (1987)
Fright Night 2 (2013)
Zoltan: Hound of Dracula (1978)
Grave of the Vampire (1972)
Thank you so much for reading. I had a blast making these lists and hope you enjoyed them. Did I miss anything? Do you agree with me or disagree? Let me know in the comments below.
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